She said, in Her Heart

brain vomit from my world

A bit of depression, my old life.

So I guess its time for me to share this bit of my life lets.see how this goes.

I have fibromyalgia, im still a spring chicken by all normal accounts but my bones and nerves respond like an old crow. Most people do not seem to understand the lack of ability and movement. For those of you who are unaware the definition Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long‑term, body‑wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety.
(Credit national library of medicine)

For the last 12 years I have fought, argued, cried and begged for this to leave my life, I am now a resident of a motorized wheelchair, I still have use of my.legs and fight daily to use them because one day I wont be able to. I have what most people would consider a severe case and some people seem to think that if I would only exercise, take some tylenol, go for a walk or get a job, this would all go away. Oh! Is that what I need. My god why didnt I think of that.  Wait… I did, 12 years ago when I had graduated from college, degree in hand, ready to rule the world of sports therapy. I thought oh no im just depressed, if I fight harder this will go away, if I run further it wont ache everytime I breathe. I submersed myself in sports therapy, fighting my body every second until one day I couldnt anymore, I just couldnt. That was the first time I truly understood my limits and depression following me around as I cried to doctors and family. Id like to say I was one of those people who when faced with a debilitating disease rose above and made the best out of it. That would be a lie! I sucked at this!  My children at the time were 5 and 1, they were also impacted by this disease. They have never seen me run, they had to push my wheelchair wherever we went, in attempt to be able to do things with them..simple events like the fair or a camping trip with the boy scouts were derailed. Planning for these events was a massive undertaking and I was then a single parent. Trying to make my own life without asking for help. Boy, did I mess up. Six years ago I met a wonderful big hearted man, who while dating fell in love with those two very independent children I created and then failed repeatedly. He took over those massive undertakings.of camping, trips, museums and tought me asking for help doesnt make me less of a person but it has given me time to heal, heal my heart and mind, since my body cannot be healed.. yet!  About a year ago I finally got some serious help, in the form of a pump that sits inside my body and fills me with pain medication and a ton of help from . These days life is a bit easier and can do more things with my family. I still suffer, mostly silently, because I am one of the lucky ones, I had a team to root for me, and they continue to do so, every day. That man, he is now my husband and my children are almost grown ups who also have the biggest hearts, like their stepdad.
Im a blubbering mess of hormones today and had to clean this out of my brain. Depression is a crazy thing, im learning, the way it pops into your beautiful life, when you least expect it. Especially after this many years of the same. (In my mind depression the devil with its thumbs in its horny ear waving the other twelve fingers while screaming nanana boo boo you cant get me while his hips are doing the twist)
I may not get you today, or tomorrow, hell I might not catch you till 2022 but know this. I will catch you and stomp on your little asshole throat. Fucker! 
Hopefully on friday when I see my doctor we can wade through some of these issues, along with others that could be contributing to this, which one day we will visit.
This was a good start I needed to put these words down, and ive accomplished something, but as usual, my hands are cramping so this is where the tale ends today.



Now I’ve done it, I wrote a first blog post!

Hi y’all

Shesaidinherheart is officially open. I’m Renee and I have lots to say. I will add to this very soon. Welcome, I hope  you’ll say hello  whoohoo ive really done it! I am doI

ng this for me, hopefully in effort of fixing me, my heart, my mind and one day if I cant remember anything, ill have it all here, in a place where it will live forever. maybe one day my great great grandchildren will ask about me and can read about my best memories and how my life was, my joys, my sorrows, deepest thoughts and the way my world looked way back in 2014. 

This is my story, I will not apologize for what comes out.of my brain through my fingers. Someday I might swear ( ok, I do that quite a bit actually) or unintentionally offend you, this is not my intent. I do have a quite sarcastic and dry humor, but I need to be true to myself and my family, above all else. I cannot apologize for this either.Although if you read this and think what a screw up, she cant even figure out how to write a blog and somedays I cant spell or make a decent sentence THIS I will apologize for. 

holy heck! I just wrote my very first blog post, I feel relieved I finallly have a place to do this. Ive never written a thing in my life outside of education and shopping lists and dr appointments. 

So with no further bull Lets do this!  Read the rest of this entry »