She said, in Her Heart

brain vomit from my world

A bit of depression, my old life.

on 01/29/2014

So I guess its time for me to share this bit of my life lets.see how this goes.

I have fibromyalgia, im still a spring chicken by all normal accounts but my bones and nerves respond like an old crow. Most people do not seem to understand the lack of ability and movement. For those of you who are unaware the definition Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long‑term, body‑wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety.
(Credit national library of medicine)

For the last 12 years I have fought, argued, cried and begged for this to leave my life, I am now a resident of a motorized wheelchair, I still have use of my.legs and fight daily to use them because one day I wont be able to. I have what most people would consider a severe case and some people seem to think that if I would only exercise, take some tylenol, go for a walk or get a job, this would all go away. Oh! Is that what I need. My god why didnt I think of that.  Wait… I did, 12 years ago when I had graduated from college, degree in hand, ready to rule the world of sports therapy. I thought oh no im just depressed, if I fight harder this will go away, if I run further it wont ache everytime I breathe. I submersed myself in sports therapy, fighting my body every second until one day I couldnt anymore, I just couldnt. That was the first time I truly understood my limits and depression following me around as I cried to doctors and family. Id like to say I was one of those people who when faced with a debilitating disease rose above and made the best out of it. That would be a lie! I sucked at this!  My children at the time were 5 and 1, they were also impacted by this disease. They have never seen me run, they had to push my wheelchair wherever we went, in attempt to be able to do things with them..simple events like the fair or a camping trip with the boy scouts were derailed. Planning for these events was a massive undertaking and I was then a single parent. Trying to make my own life without asking for help. Boy, did I mess up. Six years ago I met a wonderful big hearted man, who while dating fell in love with those two very independent children I created and then failed repeatedly. He took over those massive undertakings.of camping, trips, museums and tought me asking for help doesnt make me less of a person but it has given me time to heal, heal my heart and mind, since my body cannot be healed.. yet!  About a year ago I finally got some serious help, in the form of a pump that sits inside my body and fills me with pain medication and a ton of help from . These days life is a bit easier and can do more things with my family. I still suffer, mostly silently, because I am one of the lucky ones, I had a team to root for me, and they continue to do so, every day. That man, he is now my husband and my children are almost grown ups who also have the biggest hearts, like their stepdad.
Im a blubbering mess of hormones today and had to clean this out of my brain. Depression is a crazy thing, im learning, the way it pops into your beautiful life, when you least expect it. Especially after this many years of the same. (In my mind depression the devil with its thumbs in its horny ear waving the other twelve fingers while screaming nanana boo boo you cant get me while his hips are doing the twist)
I may not get you today, or tomorrow, hell I might not catch you till 2022 but know this. I will catch you and stomp on your little asshole throat. Fucker! 
Hopefully on friday when I see my doctor we can wade through some of these issues, along with others that could be contributing to this, which one day we will visit.
This was a good start I needed to put these words down, and ive accomplished something, but as usual, my hands are cramping so this is where the tale ends today.



14 responses to “A bit of depression, my old life.

  1. Trisha says:

    Wow, you are one brave soldier to get through all you have! I hope your doctor’s visit goes well.

  2. joslyne says:

    Ugh. I know. If one more person tells me to just “take some Tylenol” for the fibromyalgia I might punch them. TYLENOL: THE NEW WONDER DRUG. Not. And I love that you refer to your depression as “fucker.” I’ve decided my depression has the same name. 🙂

  3. I’m sorry to hear that you suffer so greatly with your fibromyalgia pain. I can not believe how many sufferers there are out there. My heart is with you.

  4. JasonPhyre says:

    You’ve got a story worth sharing. I hope to read more of your meditations and views through your condition. Awesome!

  5. JasonPhyre says:

    Reblogged this on The Phyre and commented:
    Fibromyalgia. Know what it is? Here is an individual with fibromyalgia that’s braving her condition and taking a stand. Check it out.

  6. chronicgal65 says:

    You my dear are a super trooper. It may not seem like it to you but you are. You are strong willed just like myself. I recently was bumped up from “temporarily disabled” to permanent and my illness is “progressing” when FM is not supposed to progress (ya right) I have orders for a cane and wheelchair back up and frankly my mind is not ready to accept that. Keep blogging I have recently started that myself…keep on keepin’ on!!!

    • ♥Renee says:

      Thank you! I needed that today. Im glad your blogging too, the more people that read these the sooner we can get everyone to understand what fm really is

  7. Lots of prayers and love being sent your way!

  8. Hello Renee, how are you today sweetie thanks again for commenting on my post I’m beginning to feel as if I’m wasting time but I don’t work/or have a boyfriend right now so with 24 hours in a day not a whole lot to do…so depression yea it is a real bitch I hate mine i wrote a whole page in my blog about it last night I was telling my mother about it her answer was as follows…geez you feel like that everyday!?! I looked back at her stoned-faced and said yea I do she said nothing else does she care not really I don’t believe so I can tell the way she acts oh well like I was saying Renee thanks for stopping by my blog again & hopefully I haven’t scared you off not yet anyway I just am bipolae and have novone to talk to ;(

    • Renee says:

      Hi sunshine! You can’t scare me away. I know how you feel, I get it. It’s so nice to have someone share it with. Keep writing. I’m here. I promise

      • Hey Renee, I’m so happy you are here- idk what it is but I sometimes feel as if I feel better when I get like less sleep I know it is not good for my bipolar or nothing so what is the weather like in Arizona right now is it all spring-like? Probably half of our front yard is still covered in snow imagine that? I told my one friend I was going to have to modify My website to be weather friendly LOL talk with you later Billie

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