She said, in Her Heart

brain vomit from my world

Addiction of a different color

No, not what you were thinking. Ive had that problem myself with alcohol but this isnt that type of post. Im really here to admit that I have an addiction not too many people will understand, but I watched the tlc show my strange addiction and I guess mine qualifies.
Ready? Ok I am an insane reader, I will read anything, anytime. Lately its been blogs, I will read your entire blog in one or two days, ok some take a little longer but I dont care what your point in writing was, im going to read it. Recently ive been reading more then I need to about peoples mental state, their kids, homeschooling, the makeup the use. I read everything and god forbid if you use links in your blog I need to explore that too. Ive even finished about 5 books last week as well as an entire short story serial blog. That was the first person I admitted to that I read everything. Ill be buying her books this week (she totally spoke to me)
Now im sure your sitting there asking yourself why you care and why it matters. Well I guess it takes my.mind off what my life is and gives me something else to focus on, it also.does wonders for my sanity and my pain believe it or not
Let me explain, ive had insomnia since I was probably 7, I could never ever fall asleep, I was always always the last one awake, hiding under a blanket with a flashlight. Before that I loved to read and would read books like Jaws or robinson Crusoe and the next day Sweet Valley High or The Babysitters club. As I got older that was how I fell asleep and still is most times, but something changed. I wanted to know about people, to know people, people that were living their lives and what they thought. Autobiographies never really did it for me because I saw them looking “at” themselves but not “being” themselves, with their thoughts and feelings and the emotion.
I will still read books on my trusty kindle and ive stopped going to garage sales and buying every single book for a few dollars. I have moved an entire library through my life so now I electronically read, much less to move and I was running out of places to put the books in our tiny house. But blogs holy hell how I adore you. You give me what I need and the more I read the more I want and im sure its like something of a fix for me. To those of you that find this, please dont think im weirder than what ive already stated I am. Ive read a few blogs that have taken years to create but as ive read, i have watched your children grow, become smartasses, make me giggle, tear up in emotional pain from the struggles youve dealt with and how you got past it, read about how smart they are, watch you grow as a parent and as someone who has something to offer. Ive also learned alot about things I never knew in history and science and human nature. If youve been fp this month ive read it, if you are under blogs I like then every thing since the original stalking event has been read at least once. You are all my sisters and brothers and I know you. Often times I dont even leave a comment unless I really felt that my voice was missing in your message.
Stalkerish right? Yeah probably could be.
Nosy? Absofreakinloutly! Every time I find a new to me, interesting blog I will continue reading it until ive read every single posted comment. I will continue reading blogs until I run out of intersting reading or the internet dies, whichever happens first. I think im safe.

I guess I just should have been a psychology major or something about human nature but that seems to be a lot of work and I dont have that kind of energy to put towards that education. As far as a way to block out my pain, it does a good job, when im reading a tornado can be right behind me and I wouldnt notice because im so wrapped up in your life.


Does this seem normal to you? What do you think? Tell me how this sounds to the outside world. Does this even qualify as an addiction? Not that im making light of addiction, because I know its not the same at all. That discussion will be coming soon enough. I wonder if its more of a coping mechanism than addiction. Ill have to talk.about that with my psychologist when I finally am insured again and get one. Yup part of my anxiety is making me agoraphobic and ive been putting a lot pf weight on weather I really want to go there. Boy! What I wouldnt do for some text psychology!



he actually called me fat!

So I’m kinda pissed off at my dad, I saw him last Wednesday as I was getting ready to blog about why he was a great guy. I’m feeling a little stupid actually. Wednesday happens to be my husband’s day off and he had a couple friends stop by after they got off work. My dad and sister stopped by to switch vehicles with me about the same time, I went outside to say hi to everyone. What happens next is still beyond my understanding. Knowing that I have  severe fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, hypothyroidism, endometriosis, depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach paralysis, allergies and arthritis (also known as my “bag of tricks”)                   and on medication for all the above my
FATHER CALLED ME FAT!!!! Fat damn it!!!
When I went outside to say hello, I had leaned against my car sitting on the front bumper, my dad stumbled. HE  SAID it was because the car moved, because it went down quite a bit. Turned out my tire was way way low. but hes also 80 and has other issues, one of which is his balance. Not that im making excuses because im not. Im angry! HE INSINUATED THAT MY WEIGHT IS A PROBLEM FOR HIM!
Nobody else said anything so I just ignored his comment, at the time but it botherede more and more all week long. Still though, after almost twelve years of gaining and losing due to medication side effects you would think watching me be in unmaginable pain every single god damn day, watching me go up and go down (at one point so sick that I weighed 108 when I first met my husband and looking back looked like a skeleton with skin. I have pictures maybe one day ill share it) taking me to doctors, surgeries, all the fibromyalgia medication on the market. (The lyrica is the cause although stomach paralysis isnt helping either)  the pain medication, the alternative medicine and the pain pump, he would realize that there is nothing I can do about the weight. I eat a ton of fruits and vegtables not many carbs or junk food and have meat maybe twice a week I know im doing whats right for my body, I just dont get why he doesnt understand. Im frustrated with him and im frustrated with myself for not saying something to him and im freaking hurt that the first thing my father sees when he looks at me is my weight. I have no answers and I have less respect for him because of this. I actually thought the reason he didn’t understand is because my dad has been around a lot lot longer than me and has never had to deal with a debilitating illness in his family but that doesnt seem to hold water either. I now weigh alot closer to 200 then I do 100 but im comfortable mostly with my weight, I dont look huge. Just bigger than I was. Anyway about my first post I spoke a little about my disease and about depression, and it turns out im not depressed in the normal sense but my thyroid is all out of wack which is whats causing the moods and anger and it was set off when I left my stepdaughters because I was going to kill her ex-boyfriend. Soo I will still need to go to psychiatric counseling for my anxiety anyway so im keeping my appointment. I guess thats it for this morning I hope everyone has a great rest of the week.. thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you adding me to your reader!


Thank you someecards for stating the obvious!



I smoke pot for pain!

I wrote this a few weeks ago, I was holding out on sharing this but it seems I have a few people in my life who support this. Im very lucky to have this ability to medicate with a lot less side effects

[Picture source ]

Why am I different from everybody else? Well along with a bunch of other fibromyalgia sufferers, whose symptoms get longer on a daily basis, I have something not many others have. I have a medical marijuana card and I use the shit out.of. it.
Yep, I said it, I smoke pot for pain relief!
I started testing pot (called mmj for the medical term) back in November, the same week as thanksgiving, hoping and praying I could make it through the holiday. I think my family did a collective sigh of relief that week., relaxation and me not in my usual crappy mood. And still cooking!  The holidays were lovely! This might be the first year I wasnt borderline psychotic about how everything went together, my daughter and her friend had cooked most of it this year though too. That made it the best thanksgiving ever AND I was able to go shopping black friday.
Ive made some not so great choices in my life, drinking the pain away was one of them and after scaring my kids and husband one time too many I stopped. Completely. But then I had to deal with the pain, and for years I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, soo many pills and no relief, what the hell is this?
I waited about six months for pain management to get their shit together and figure out how this new marijuana law works with pain killers.  And I saved and saved. The card that allows medical marijuana to you is not cheap, not even close, its two months of one brand of my pills, $200. You have to take your last year of medical records to this doctor and once she realized the 900 page book was only the last year she got me signed up pretty quickly! In Arizona there is a list.of acceptable diseases you must qualify through. It took the state about a week to do my background check or whatever it is they do for $200. I received the card in the mail with a list of local dispensaries(the pot shopping mall basically) a week later. I chose delivery and a wonderful gentleman comes by every two weeks with the top choices in his bag, it’s all done right in front of me. We smoke some of the new stuff and off he goes to the next stop. I love it! Theres a lot to know about CBD’s and THC and indicas vs. sativas as well as how some are head high or body high. I do most of my research online but I also talk to the delivery men and see whats up and coming, what he can get that’s strong enough to wipe out the pain, the stress and my bag of tricks. I also am emploing medibles in this journey but I have a really tough time eating one cookie so it really isnt benificial to me.
It’s amazing how easily I can understand this stuff, my brain fog has gotten sooo much better. I can focus, I can do stuff, like clean and think and process information and not lose my shit in the process. Im also a much nicer, less bitchy version of who I was. I would lose my cool so quickly because the pain was literallly gnawing on my last nerve.
Let me tell you how this has changed my life, im still in awe some days that this was soo easy to do but so fraught with questions
My overall attitude is better, my husband is no longer afraid to come home after work,. I smile, an actual smile! Without wanting to cry or bite my tongue off! I usually end up doing more, like cooking dinner (yes I still cook.regular dinners, not high fry munchies) I don’t get munchies, I suffer from less migraines during the day, but still wake up with them regularly, my ache between my shoulders disappears, my nerves shut off their ziiiiings in my brain and ive lost 18 pounds since december 16!
anyway, I spend about $300 a month on pot but here’s the best part, ive stopped taking my seizure pills, my sleeping pills( night terrors in a bottle) and one of my painkillers has been reduced from 8 a day to 3 a day. Do Not go off or reduce medication without your doctors approval! The lyrica and savella are the same, the pain pump I can boost every four hours and the morphine sulfate pills are still all in but hopefully the morphine can go away soon too. All that’s left is my stomach medicine, my loratadine, xanex and heartburn pills some days a few oxycodone but that’s dependant on my day. We will see if the mental issues get better. The lyrica and savella im stuck with for what looks like forever, but being down some pills every day make me rejoice and thank god I live in a state and country that understands. The nauseated feeling from having all those pills rumbling around in my stomach has been greatly reduced! Not saying hello to the toilet seat three times a day makes such a difference in my outlook. I am slowly beginning to feel more human and less like the monster I had become. I do worry about it though, some family of ours doesn’t know, and if they already don’t like me then what happens when they find out? My first thought is to hide it but I am so tired of hiding. I want to scream from the rooftops “I found something for pain, that works, leave me alone”. My kids have been explained the reasoning behind my choices, thank goodness they are older and understand the difference of “for pleasure” and “pain relief” My husband says he notices a change in my attitude to the pain but besides that says I dont act high or stoned. Its not the same stuff your pot dealer sells. This is a very scientific measured medication just like the prescription drugs. Only stronger and with a ton less side effects. Ive never felt high just better
I do a lot of research, I research everything,and insanely investigate what might or might not work for me and by no means am I saying this will work for anybody besides myself. This is just my journey through chronic illness, depression and the bits that come with it. I’m sharing what worked for me. Also Arizona has legal medical marijuana. If this is still not law in your state please don’t do it. It’s not worth the jail time or fines or whatever your state does.
It took me a few weeks to move this post from draft to publish because I wasnt really seeing much of it in blogs, I know their out there, I just havent come across that many yet. My feeling is that someone else out there is struggling with the same thing, wanting to talk about it, wanting to learn more so here I am, admitting this to the world.

Although having my in laws here for a week was difficult we all somehow managed to keep it from them, my kids were great here occuping grandma enough so she didnt notice, although grandpa knows he played a long too. Im not embarrassed but they have given me enough grief over my disability and multiple diseases. I just didnt want them to hold it over their sons head for sticking with me through all this. Im so lucky to have him in my life, holding my hand, helping me get stuff finished and keeping me on track, he also finds my stuff ive lost in front of my face and will always know the right second before I start crying to make me laugh. He is my hero! I dont know how I would survive this illness without my mmj and my husband. Medical marijuana has completely changed our perspective of this disease. Im beginning to hope again thats major to us. To me most importantly
Soo, thats it, my big secret is out, and im ready to shout the benefits from the rooftop. This has saved my life!
How do you feel about using medical marijuana if it was proven to be better than any prescription available on the market?