She said, in Her Heart

brain vomit from my world

12 hours from death

on 03/02/2014

I really wish I was click baiting but sadly this isnt the case.
Its less than  a week from my best friends anniversary of her death ( I always felt anniversaries were something to celebrate, now it doesnt seem right)
Ive been dealing with.so much death this last year.its hard to comprehend how a family of four lose nine members of our family. Each of us struggling with a death of a loved one in our own place, in our own way. My best friend seemed to be the beginning of the  “Year from Hell” as its called here, “2013” according to everyone else. I still dont feel like its real because we spent a lot of the last few years addicted to meth and pils. Once you got us in the same area as us, we were on. Wed talk like wed never been apart. Just like when our grandaughter was born, it.was completely in sync every thought was already coreographed. She is the birth mom of my three step daughters and I fell in love with her before I agreed to the kids. Immediately we both knew we were going to be sharing the kids and we hit united front like we were marines. Even after I was no longer family we were still together, raising those girls together. I.miss her so much and still cant believe shes gone I doubt it will ever click.in my head so next week.is.going to be insanely difficult since I.cant be with these girls because my in laws are going to be in town, rotten week for company but the girls and my son and daughter decided we were going to phone tree so we can all do our thing to honor her, even though were not together.
So thats been on my mind these last few weeks plus last thursday I got a call from my pain management center saying I would need to prepay for my pain pump medication it needed to be filled in. $179 overnight. Well I wasnt able to come up.with it till Monday morning and they wouldnt have the medication till Wednesday anyway.so I made the payment on Monday and on Wednesday when I saw the dr he was very upset to hear what had occured on thursday and gave me his cell.phone number in case it was an emergency like that. I kinda made him feel bad telling him my kids are eating ramen and peanut buter fluff sandwhiches though too so I guess he felt really guilty. When he emptied my pump he gave me the really uncomfortable news. I had so little medicine in my body that in 6 hours I would have started withdrawls, in 10 hours I would most likely be caling an ambulance and that if I had gone to sleep that night I.probably.wouldn.have.woken.up. NICE RIGHT? Yeah I thought so too. It seems like bullshit.to me to have to force the patient to get hooked on morphine while the insurance pays for it and then dangle it in front of my face like a piece of cake. I like cake. I also like to avoid the hospital, witdrawls I also like not going asshole apeshit on my kids and husband. Its cruel! So now im fully medicated. They addded a.different medication in there this time and it seems to work better but im still in qyite a bit of pain. I know ill never be rid of the pain completely but id really like to have a manageable amount, you know the normal people call simple aches @nd pains a tylenol or advil would fix. Once a month would be nice,hell id even accept bi monthly! I realize im now whining so ill stop now.
I do realize its been over a week since ive written a damn thing. I started a few about my best friend and just.couldnt finish them. I promised myself id be honest about everything on this blog and while I have so much.to.say! I dont know how to go about putting it down on paper. Im working on that though, as I figure it out more I will probably never shut up. That scares me too, im anxious that what I write wont make me happy, to finally have it all written out isnt going to mean as much as starting this project was.
I guess its time to get to work, and write more than I read, even if it is useless and pointless!
So anyway thats my weekly exciting life and close-to-death-as-I-ever-want-to-be-thank-you-very-much event. Im really going to try harder not to put my life in peril and handle my inlaws with a smile and some well earned and deserved grace. I hope anyway.  So far so good. I hope you have a fantastic week and ill.let you know how the week goes. Im so glad I can talk to you and you understand!

RENEE

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7 responses to “12 hours from death

  1. Hi Renee. I clicked LIKE though that hardly seems appropriate. I’ve been in a right MISERABLE stressed out mood over the past week, and today I looked at the calendar and it dawned on me that it’s March 10th. March 12 would have been my sister’s birthday. Anniversaries have a way of creeping up on you, and the pain seems so present. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through, both physical and emotional. You are not alone. HUGS.

  2. beautifulbipolar1 says:

    Hi, you know you are preaching to the choir right now sister!!!

  3. Hope things are looking up for you!

  4. Daile says:

    Hope things are better a month on from this post Renee. Hugs to you x

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