12 hours from death

I really wish I was click baiting but sadly this isnt the case.
Its less than  a week from my best friends anniversary of her death ( I always felt anniversaries were something to celebrate, now it doesnt seem right)
Ive been dealing with.so much death this last year.its hard to comprehend how a family of four lose nine members of our family. Each of us struggling with a death of a loved one in our own place, in our own way. My best friend seemed to be the beginning of the  “Year from Hell” as its called here, “2013” according to everyone else. I still dont feel like its real because we spent a lot of the last few years addicted to meth and pils. Once you got us in the same area as us, we were on. Wed talk like wed never been apart. Just like when our grandaughter was born, it.was completely in sync every thought was already coreographed. She is the birth mom of my three step daughters and I fell in love with her before I agreed to the kids. Immediately we both knew we were going to be sharing the kids and we hit united front like we were marines. Even after I was no longer family we were still together, raising those girls together. I.miss her so much and still cant believe shes gone I doubt it will ever click.in my head so next week.is.going to be insanely difficult since I.cant be with these girls because my in laws are going to be in town, rotten week for company but the girls and my son and daughter decided we were going to phone tree so we can all do our thing to honor her, even though were not together.
So thats been on my mind these last few weeks plus last thursday I got a call from my pain management center saying I would need to prepay for my pain pump medication it needed to be filled in. $179 overnight. Well I wasnt able to come up.with it till Monday morning and they wouldnt have the medication till Wednesday anyway.so I made the payment on Monday and on Wednesday when I saw the dr he was very upset to hear what had occured on thursday and gave me his cell.phone number in case it was an emergency like that. I kinda made him feel bad telling him my kids are eating ramen and peanut buter fluff sandwhiches though too so I guess he felt really guilty. When he emptied my pump he gave me the really uncomfortable news. I had so little medicine in my body that in 6 hours I would have started withdrawls, in 10 hours I would most likely be caling an ambulance and that if I had gone to sleep that night I.probably.wouldn.have.woken.up. NICE RIGHT? Yeah I thought so too. It seems like bullshit.to me to have to force the patient to get hooked on morphine while the insurance pays for it and then dangle it in front of my face like a piece of cake. I like cake. I also like to avoid the hospital, witdrawls I also like not going asshole apeshit on my kids and husband. Its cruel! So now im fully medicated. They addded a.different medication in there this time and it seems to work better but im still in qyite a bit of pain. I know ill never be rid of the pain completely but id really like to have a manageable amount, you know the normal people call simple aches @nd pains a tylenol or advil would fix. Once a month would be nice,hell id even accept bi monthly! I realize im now whining so ill stop now.
I do realize its been over a week since ive written a damn thing. I started a few about my best friend and just.couldnt finish them. I promised myself id be honest about everything on this blog and while I have so much.to.say! I dont know how to go about putting it down on paper. Im working on that though, as I figure it out more I will probably never shut up. That scares me too, im anxious that what I write wont make me happy, to finally have it all written out isnt going to mean as much as starting this project was.
I guess its time to get to work, and write more than I read, even if it is useless and pointless!
So anyway thats my weekly exciting life and close-to-death-as-I-ever-want-to-be-thank-you-very-much event. Im really going to try harder not to put my life in peril and handle my inlaws with a smile and some well earned and deserved grace. I hope anyway.  So far so good. I hope you have a fantastic week and ill.let you know how the week goes. Im so glad I can talk to you and you understand!

RENEE

I smoke pot for pain!

I wrote this a few weeks ago, I was holding out on sharing this but it seems I have a few people in my life who support this. Im very lucky to have this ability to medicate with a lot less side effects

[Picture source marijuana.com ]

Why am I different from everybody else? Well along with a bunch of other fibromyalgia sufferers, whose symptoms get longer on a daily basis, I have something not many others have. I have a medical marijuana card and I use the shit out.of. it.
Yep, I said it, I smoke pot for pain relief!
I started testing pot (called mmj for the medical term) back in November, the same week as thanksgiving, hoping and praying I could make it through the holiday. I think my family did a collective sigh of relief that week., relaxation and me not in my usual crappy mood. And still cooking!  The holidays were lovely! This might be the first year I wasnt borderline psychotic about how everything went together, my daughter and her friend had cooked most of it this year though too. That made it the best thanksgiving ever AND I was able to go shopping black friday.
Ive made some not so great choices in my life, drinking the pain away was one of them and after scaring my kids and husband one time too many I stopped. Completely. But then I had to deal with the pain, and for years I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, soo many pills and no relief, what the hell is this?
I waited about six months for pain management to get their shit together and figure out how this new marijuana law works with pain killers.  And I saved and saved. The card that allows medical marijuana to you is not cheap, not even close, its two months of one brand of my pills, $200. You have to take your last year of medical records to this doctor and once she realized the 900 page book was only the last year she got me signed up pretty quickly! In Arizona there is a list.of acceptable diseases you must qualify through. It took the state about a week to do my background check or whatever it is they do for $200. I received the card in the mail with a list of local dispensaries(the pot shopping mall basically) a week later. I chose delivery and a wonderful gentleman comes by every two weeks with the top choices in his bag, it’s all done right in front of me. We smoke some of the new stuff and off he goes to the next stop. I love it! Theres a lot to know about CBD’s and THC and indicas vs. sativas as well as how some are head high or body high. I do most of my research online but I also talk to the delivery men and see whats up and coming, what he can get that’s strong enough to wipe out the pain, the stress and my bag of tricks. I also am emploing medibles in this journey but I have a really tough time eating one cookie so it really isnt benificial to me.
It’s amazing how easily I can understand this stuff, my brain fog has gotten sooo much better. I can focus, I can do stuff, like clean and think and process information and not lose my shit in the process. Im also a much nicer, less bitchy version of who I was. I would lose my cool so quickly because the pain was literallly gnawing on my last nerve.
Let me tell you how this has changed my life, im still in awe some days that this was soo easy to do but so fraught with questions
My overall attitude is better, my husband is no longer afraid to come home after work,. I smile, an actual smile! Without wanting to cry or bite my tongue off! I usually end up doing more, like cooking dinner (yes I still cook.regular dinners, not high fry munchies) I don’t get munchies, I suffer from less migraines during the day, but still wake up with them regularly, my ache between my shoulders disappears, my nerves shut off their ziiiiings in my brain and ive lost 18 pounds since december 16!
anyway, I spend about $300 a month on pot but here’s the best part, ive stopped taking my seizure pills, my sleeping pills( night terrors in a bottle) and one of my painkillers has been reduced from 8 a day to 3 a day. Do Not go off or reduce medication without your doctors approval! The lyrica and savella are the same, the pain pump I can boost every four hours and the morphine sulfate pills are still all in but hopefully the morphine can go away soon too. All that’s left is my stomach medicine, my loratadine, xanex and heartburn pills some days a few oxycodone but that’s dependant on my day. We will see if the mental issues get better. The lyrica and savella im stuck with for what looks like forever, but being down some pills every day make me rejoice and thank god I live in a state and country that understands. The nauseated feeling from having all those pills rumbling around in my stomach has been greatly reduced! Not saying hello to the toilet seat three times a day makes such a difference in my outlook. I am slowly beginning to feel more human and less like the monster I had become. I do worry about it though, some family of ours doesn’t know, and if they already don’t like me then what happens when they find out? My first thought is to hide it but I am so tired of hiding. I want to scream from the rooftops “I found something for pain, that works, leave me alone”. My kids have been explained the reasoning behind my choices, thank goodness they are older and understand the difference of “for pleasure” and “pain relief” My husband says he notices a change in my attitude to the pain but besides that says I dont act high or stoned. Its not the same stuff your pot dealer sells. This is a very scientific measured medication just like the prescription drugs. Only stronger and with a ton less side effects. Ive never felt high just better
I do a lot of research, I research everything,and insanely investigate what might or might not work for me and by no means am I saying this will work for anybody besides myself. This is just my journey through chronic illness, depression and the bits that come with it. I’m sharing what worked for me. Also Arizona has legal medical marijuana. If this is still not law in your state please don’t do it. It’s not worth the jail time or fines or whatever your state does.
It took me a few weeks to move this post from draft to publish because I wasnt really seeing much of it in blogs, I know their out there, I just havent come across that many yet. My feeling is that someone else out there is struggling with the same thing, wanting to talk about it, wanting to learn more so here I am, admitting this to the world.

Although having my in laws here for a week was difficult we all somehow managed to keep it from them, my kids were great here occuping grandma enough so she didnt notice, although grandpa knows he played a long too. Im not embarrassed but they have given me enough grief over my disability and multiple diseases. I just didnt want them to hold it over their sons head for sticking with me through all this. Im so lucky to have him in my life, holding my hand, helping me get stuff finished and keeping me on track, he also finds my stuff ive lost in front of my face and will always know the right second before I start crying to make me laugh. He is my hero! I dont know how I would survive this illness without my mmj and my husband. Medical marijuana has completely changed our perspective of this disease. Im beginning to hope again thats major to us. To me most importantly
Soo, thats it, my big secret is out, and im ready to shout the benefits from the rooftop. This has saved my life!
How do you feel about using medical marijuana if it was proven to be better than any prescription available on the market?

A bit of depression, my old life.

So I guess its time for me to share this bit of my life lets.see how this goes.

I have fibromyalgia, im still a spring chicken by all normal accounts but my bones and nerves respond like an old crow. Most people do not seem to understand the lack of ability and movement. For those of you who are unaware the definition Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long‑term, body‑wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety.
(Credit national library of medicine)

For the last 12 years I have fought, argued, cried and begged for this to leave my life, I am now a resident of a motorized wheelchair, I still have use of my.legs and fight daily to use them because one day I wont be able to. I have what most people would consider a severe case and some people seem to think that if I would only exercise, take some tylenol, go for a walk or get a job, this would all go away. Oh! Is that what I need. My god why didnt I think of that.  Wait… I did, 12 years ago when I had graduated from college, degree in hand, ready to rule the world of sports therapy. I thought oh no im just depressed, if I fight harder this will go away, if I run further it wont ache everytime I breathe. I submersed myself in sports therapy, fighting my body every second until one day I couldnt anymore, I just couldnt. That was the first time I truly understood my limits and depression following me around as I cried to doctors and family. Id like to say I was one of those people who when faced with a debilitating disease rose above and made the best out of it. That would be a lie! I sucked at this!  My children at the time were 5 and 1, they were also impacted by this disease. They have never seen me run, they had to push my wheelchair wherever we went, in attempt to be able to do things with them..simple events like the fair or a camping trip with the boy scouts were derailed. Planning for these events was a massive undertaking and I was then a single parent. Trying to make my own life without asking for help. Boy, did I mess up. Six years ago I met a wonderful big hearted man, who while dating fell in love with those two very independent children I created and then failed repeatedly. He took over those massive undertakings.of camping, trips, museums and tought me asking for help doesnt make me less of a person but it has given me time to heal, heal my heart and mind, since my body cannot be healed.. yet!  About a year ago I finally got some serious help, in the form of a pump that sits inside my body and fills me with pain medication and a ton of help from . These days life is a bit easier and can do more things with my family. I still suffer, mostly silently, because I am one of the lucky ones, I had a team to root for me, and they continue to do so, every day. That man, he is now my husband and my children are almost grown ups who also have the biggest hearts, like their stepdad.
Im a blubbering mess of hormones today and had to clean this out of my brain. Depression is a crazy thing, im learning, the way it pops into your beautiful life, when you least expect it. Especially after this many years of the same. (In my mind depression looks.like the devil with its thumbs in its horny ear waving the other twelve fingers while screaming nanana boo boo you cant get me while his hips are doing the twist)
I may not get you today, or tomorrow, hell I might not catch you till 2022 but know this. I will catch you and stomp on your little asshole throat. Fucker! 
Hopefully on friday when I see my doctor we can wade through some of these issues, along with others that could be contributing to this, which one day we will visit.
This was a good start I needed to put these words down, and ive accomplished something, but as usual, my hands are cramping so this is where the tale ends today.

♥Renee♥