She said, in Her Heart

brain vomit from my world

Total crazy

As I was walking in to see the premiere of “the other woman”I was shocked to see that WordPress had made a announcement on my page that said I have 100 followers!  OK to most of you that may not be much to make a whole post over but to me its amazing. I never expected to have people follow my words.  OK I cried!  I’m so happy!
When I decided to do this in January I knew nothing about blogging.  OK.i said I wasn’t gong to lie on this blog and so let’s the truth,  I still don’t. I have no clue what I’m doing besides posting and comments.  Sad huh! Time to get crackin. I gotta do that word press hero thing I keep forgetting about until it’s too late.  My bad!


Blood moon 41414

Golly that picture is almost nonexistent


Sunrise 41414 Phoenix AZ

For those of you wanting to know how the movie was.  It was fanfrakintastic and hysterical.  Every woman should see this movie.  My husband who gets dragged to all of the premiers we go to says it was OK.  Leave the men home.  This is a total gf movie. Since I’ve buried my two best friends the roster is VERY open and I’m desperately in Read the rest of this entry »


Last week

Note: I wrote this Sunday late and didn’t get a chance to post it earlier so pretend it’s Monday morning and your reading this ok? Ok!

Well this past week has been exciting it started last weekend when my husband and I went all the way down to Scottdale about 30 minutes from my house to go to the  Southwest beer festival and as we’re looking for parking I realize we were a week early.  Completely my fault I truly thought it was last weekend but we still went today. 
Monday thru Thursday we had stupid AIMS TESTING  I swear I’ve not meet one person who actually doesn’t dread this particular week of the year for their children.  My son “D” doesn’t get stressed out ever. He is one of those seriously chill people but this week he was a constant ball of nerves.  He did say last year’s  6th grade AIMS was much harder than 7th was but he’s said he did fine on reading but he reads like I do so I’m not worried about reading. Math on the other hand is hard for him he just can’t seem to understand the geometry which is something I had huge problems with back in my school days. I don’t know how to fix this and the math teacher doesn’t seem to be willing to stay after or help during lunch. This is ongoing. I truly thankful that my daughter didn’t have any additional AIMS this year as a senior although she did have to retake math twice to make her “eligible for graduating” but she passed finally back in november.  Tuesday my husband decided to start riding his motorcycle to work for the first time which caused me lots of xanex moments.  He had to text me when he got to work, when he left work and if he stopped anywhere too.  That helps a lot. He’s become so responsible in the last 6 years since he got am instant family so I know in my head he’s fine but that never stopped the crazy before so why start now.  Wednesday thru Friday I kinda took it easy but did finish the bathroom spring clean. It took three freaking days.  We’ve only lived here a year and the bathroom gets wiped down weekly!  This week I’m starting on the bedroom.  I’m totally taking pictures of this because for the year we’ve lived here we have never bothered finishing that room.  We just sleep there.  

Saturday hubs was off for the first time that he didn’t have to request
We found out too late to do anything about it unfortunatly but he went to guys night so I ran over to Kohls across the street and bought a skort. I have always loved skorts because I don’t like the naked feeling of skirts. Now normally I hate clothes shopping but since I just got an adorable shirt at Ross I needed something cute for “date night” Ams for the last two years I’ve been a plus size 20. This week I fit into a size 16 skort. No shit I skipped out of the dressing room!  4 sizes without noticing. How dumb am I!?! Now I didn’t get to wear my skort because it was too windy but the beer festival we went to today was pretty cool.  Since I can’t do events like this without the wheelchair we normally don’t do these type of events but since my insurance paid for a motorized scooter we finally get to do interesting events like this. We were given a 4 oz mug and each ticket (worth a dollar) bought us a fill up.  I got to try a bunch of local beers and a few more craft beers.  We only bought a few tickets each to drink with because I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol like I used to but I love to try new flavors.  I wish I found a chocolate beer there I’ve been seeing them a lot of other places but won’t buy any because I’m afraid ill hate it.  I did find out any beer that says  “ipa” means Pine tree and that’s one beverage besides gin that will cause me to never drink again.  Maybe not a bad idea.  Overall pain was minimal this week outside of the bathroom cleaning. The new medication in my pump is fantastic granted the marijuana is making a huge difference in the side effects from some of the necessary medication I’m on.  I’m honestly loving life right now which is a nice change.  I have noticed something though and I’m kinda stumped as to how to handle this hopefully someone’s comment will help me.  Here’s my issue;  I’ve previously told everyone about my depression starting back in November but the first day Arizona hit 85°is like it’s vanished.  I magically have energy that wasn’t there two weeks ago.  Sounds like seasonal affective disorder right? This is the definition I pulled off
Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you’re like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

Treatment for seasonal affective disorder includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications.
Exactly right?  I still spend most of my life in my back yard so I know light therapy doesn’t work for me.  I am not ready to start adding new medications to my life.  I just got off a bunch dammit! Anyway what do yout think? Since its gone I won’t need medication now but maybe next winter I will.  I hope I won’t.  We know depression goes hand in hand with a chronic disease but I’ve managed to keep that to manageable levels without more medication.  One day there will be a shot and I’ll be happy to be a guinea pig for that if I need to.  This is getting wayyy too long. I think I’m going to TRY to post more than once a week. Hope everyone had a beautiful weekend and that your week is filed with sunshine and warm weather.  After the winter the rest of you had I think your deserving.  Today we hit 85 and it was a little windy but perfect.  I’m also working in adding pictures but I haven’t dumped the memory card from my old phone and I haven’t taken any with the new phone. 


Life love and stress

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve been here but since I blog from my phone it became very difficult to do with a screen the Size of a quarter,the only part not cracked to hell.  My fault completely.  Fixing my screen would have been over $350 but instead I upgraded. Thank goodness! This is so much better!  So much!  I did try to write from my Kindle but as most of you know typing on the Kindle is horse shit.
Anyway I’m very much struggling this week to not kill my son. I had to go to the school after spring break because he didn’t bring it home before and then went to his grandmother’s for the whole break.  So he’s been failing math because he’s not doing his homework AND he’s been tardy 16 Times the last quarter.  He rides his bike to school and leaves 30 minutes early even though school is 10 minutes away.  So now I get to break his grandmother’s heart by telling her the only kid that gives a damn if she lives or dies that he won’t be spending the summer with her.  He will be in summer school.  Then he ran his bike into a family friends parked brand new pickup and finished the week off by hitting his step dad’s classic motorcycle with same bicycle. To top that, I get a letter from the library saying they have sent multiple letters staying that he owes them some $89 for damaged and unreturned library books.  What the hell!?!!?  He’s going to put me in an early have if this keeps up.  I’m so damn upset I don’t know what to do with him.  I’ve wanted to burst into tears.  Now he’s 13 and used to be respectful a good student and well behaved.  I don’t know where my boy went but I honestly want to choke this rotten kid out of my son’s body. I want my son back! I’m working very hard trying not to say something I would regret later.  This is a work in progress.  This seems to be my theme lately. Hormones? Is it emotional? The school?  Him? The fact his dad won’t be bothered?  Because his grandpa died in August?  I can’t tell you.  He won’t talk about it.  He’ll sit there silently staring at the ground no matter what I ask.  Prior to this child I’ve only raised girls and when they were 13-17 I never had this kind of problem. The last kid I raise. The last one!   6 kids. It’s not like I’m inexperienced I just don’t know what to do with this.  I’m stumped.
Anyway I was at pain management last week and I’ll be taking this really awesome new medical test (how often does this happen in one life)called a pharmacokinetic pgt
This genetic test is used to show how your body responds to your medication, weather it increases or decreases you’re dosing or to prove that a medication will or will not work for you. It even can explain why your experiencing certain medication interactions and side effects!  The fantastic thing about this test. . OK two fabulous things is got only have to take it once in your life because you’re genetics toward medication doesn’t change and the second awesome thing is this might be the simplistic test to take on earth. You spit in a cup.  That’s it.  Right, everyone with an invisible illness needs to ask their doctor about this.  Most insurances pay for complete testing including medicare. I can’t wait for this test to be done.  Hopefully I can reduce even more of my medications.  How lovely a thought!
As far as the painpump is concerned I’ll be using it forever but it seems my doctors new combination of pump painkillers is actually working pretty well.  FINALLY!!! I have a big weekend planned I just hope I don’t crash in the middle of Sunday.
Saturday I’m going out by myself to a farmers market of get this. . Medical marijuana I’m really excited to experience this and I’m in desperate need of fresh meds.  Sunday I convinced my husband to go to the southwest beer festival part of the culinary fest for his birthday.  I never get between my man and his beer so I figured this would be a great way to spend some time together in lovely Scottsdale, in the Arizona sun. We don’t normally do stuff like that and since I don’t drink bars bore the hell or of me.  I also got him tickets to a concert in July and I still can’t believe I pulled it off.  We’re going to see Def leopard and KISS. Ah my 80s. I’m going to love playing with him to get him to guess.  This will never cross his mind! I love surprising him with stuff like this.  When he does it to me 98% of the time we arrive at a car show.  Paybacks. OK he got nascar tickets twice for us. Life as a mechanics wife I guess.
Anyway is been a very long day and the week is barely half over.  Monday can’t come soon enough.  I’ll get to sleep off my weekend and zone out of pain with nobody home to bother me or drive anyone anywhere. Sadly after the last few weeks I live for Monday.  Kids are back at school, hubby is at work and I can wander around in my undies.  Lol the life I live is such a joke sometimes I can’t help but laugh
Anyway I have like 200 blogs to catch up with for the week.  It’s midnight and I desperately need sleep. And btw whet the hell is this damn plane?  It’s beginning to make me not want to fly.  I didn’t realize it was possible to disappear like that, Bermuda triangle shit I tell ya!
Love to all
“love the life you live.
live the life you love.”
Bob Marley
Smart man
Renee xo
P.s. Now that I can see a screen maybe now I can figure out why why my gravatar doesn’t work and make my blog a bit better. 


12 hours from death

I really wish I was click baiting but sadly this isnt the case.
Its less than  a week from my best friends anniversary of her death ( I always felt anniversaries were something to celebrate, now it doesnt seem right)
Ive been dealing much death this last year.its hard to comprehend how a family of four lose nine members of our family. Each of us struggling with a death of a loved one in our own place, in our own way. My best friend seemed to be the beginning of the  “Year from Hell” as its called here, “2013” according to everyone else. I still dont feel like its real because we spent a lot of the last few years addicted to meth and pils. Once you got us in the same area as us, we were on. Wed talk like wed never been apart. Just like when our grandaughter was born, it.was completely in sync every thought was already coreographed. She is the birth mom of my three step daughters and I fell in love with her before I agreed to the kids. Immediately we both knew we were going to be sharing the kids and we hit united front like we were marines. Even after I was no longer family we were still together, raising those girls together. I.miss her so much and still cant believe shes gone I doubt it will ever my head so next to be insanely difficult since I.cant be with these girls because my in laws are going to be in town, rotten week for company but the girls and my son and daughter decided we were going to phone tree so we can all do our thing to honor her, even though were not together.
So thats been on my mind these last few weeks plus last thursday I got a call from my pain management center saying I would need to prepay for my pain pump medication it needed to be filled in. $179 overnight. Well I wasnt able to come up.with it till Monday morning and they wouldnt have the medication till Wednesday I made the payment on Monday and on Wednesday when I saw the dr he was very upset to hear what had occured on thursday and gave me his number in case it was an emergency like that. I kinda made him feel bad telling him my kids are eating ramen and peanut buter fluff sandwhiches though too so I guess he felt really guilty. When he emptied my pump he gave me the really uncomfortable news. I had so little medicine in my body that in 6 hours I would have started withdrawls, in 10 hours I would most likely be caling an ambulance and that if I had gone to sleep that night I.probably.wouldn.have.woken.up. NICE RIGHT? Yeah I thought so too. It seems like me to have to force the patient to get hooked on morphine while the insurance pays for it and then dangle it in front of my face like a piece of cake. I like cake. I also like to avoid the hospital, witdrawls I also like not going asshole apeshit on my kids and husband. Its cruel! So now im fully medicated. They addded a.different medication in there this time and it seems to work better but im still in qyite a bit of pain. I know ill never be rid of the pain completely but id really like to have a manageable amount, you know the normal people call simple aches @nd pains a tylenol or advil would fix. Once a month would be nice,hell id even accept bi monthly! I realize im now whining so ill stop now.
I do realize its been over a week since ive written a damn thing. I started a few about my best friend and just.couldnt finish them. I promised myself id be honest about everything on this blog and while I have so! I dont know how to go about putting it down on paper. Im working on that though, as I figure it out more I will probably never shut up. That scares me too, im anxious that what I write wont make me happy, to finally have it all written out isnt going to mean as much as starting this project was.
I guess its time to get to work, and write more than I read, even if it is useless and pointless!
So anyway thats my weekly exciting life and close-to-death-as-I-ever-want-to-be-thank-you-very-much event. Im really going to try harder not to put my life in peril and handle my inlaws with a smile and some well earned and deserved grace. I hope anyway.  So far so good. I hope you have a fantastic week and ill.let you know how the week goes. Im so glad I can talk to you and you understand!



Addiction of a different color

No, not what you were thinking. Ive had that problem myself with alcohol but this isnt that type of post. Im really here to admit that I have an addiction not too many people will understand, but I watched the tlc show my strange addiction and I guess mine qualifies.
Ready? Ok I am an insane reader, I will read anything, anytime. Lately its been blogs, I will read your entire blog in one or two days, ok some take a little longer but I dont care what your point in writing was, im going to read it. Recently ive been reading more then I need to about peoples mental state, their kids, homeschooling, the makeup the use. I read everything and god forbid if you use links in your blog I need to explore that too. Ive even finished about 5 books last week as well as an entire short story serial blog. That was the first person I admitted to that I read everything. Ill be buying her books this week (she totally spoke to me)
Now im sure your sitting there asking yourself why you care and why it matters. Well I guess it takes my.mind off what my life is and gives me something else to focus on, it also.does wonders for my sanity and my pain believe it or not
Let me explain, ive had insomnia since I was probably 7, I could never ever fall asleep, I was always always the last one awake, hiding under a blanket with a flashlight. Before that I loved to read and would read books like Jaws or robinson Crusoe and the next day Sweet Valley High or The Babysitters club. As I got older that was how I fell asleep and still is most times, but something changed. I wanted to know about people, to know people, people that were living their lives and what they thought. Autobiographies never really did it for me because I saw them looking “at” themselves but not “being” themselves, with their thoughts and feelings and the emotion.
I will still read books on my trusty kindle and ive stopped going to garage sales and buying every single book for a few dollars. I have moved an entire library through my life so now I electronically read, much less to move and I was running out of places to put the books in our tiny house. But blogs holy hell how I adore you. You give me what I need and the more I read the more I want and im sure its like something of a fix for me. To those of you that find this, please dont think im weirder than what ive already stated I am. Ive read a few blogs that have taken years to create but as ive read, i have watched your children grow, become smartasses, make me giggle, tear up in emotional pain from the struggles youve dealt with and how you got past it, read about how smart they are, watch you grow as a parent and as someone who has something to offer. Ive also learned alot about things I never knew in history and science and human nature. If youve been fp this month ive read it, if you are under blogs I like then every thing since the original stalking event has been read at least once. You are all my sisters and brothers and I know you. Often times I dont even leave a comment unless I really felt that my voice was missing in your message.
Stalkerish right? Yeah probably could be.
Nosy? Absofreakinloutly! Every time I find a new to me, interesting blog I will continue reading it until ive read every single posted comment. I will continue reading blogs until I run out of intersting reading or the internet dies, whichever happens first. I think im safe.

I guess I just should have been a psychology major or something about human nature but that seems to be a lot of work and I dont have that kind of energy to put towards that education. As far as a way to block out my pain, it does a good job, when im reading a tornado can be right behind me and I wouldnt notice because im so wrapped up in your life.


Does this seem normal to you? What do you think? Tell me how this sounds to the outside world. Does this even qualify as an addiction? Not that im making light of addiction, because I know its not the same at all. That discussion will be coming soon enough. I wonder if its more of a coping mechanism than addiction. Ill have to talk.about that with my psychologist when I finally am insured again and get one. Yup part of my anxiety is making me agoraphobic and ive been putting a lot pf weight on weather I really want to go there. Boy! What I wouldnt do for some text psychology!



he actually called me fat!

So I’m kinda pissed off at my dad, I saw him last Wednesday as I was getting ready to blog about why he was a great guy. I’m feeling a little stupid actually. Wednesday happens to be my husband’s day off and he had a couple friends stop by after they got off work. My dad and sister stopped by to switch vehicles with me about the same time, I went outside to say hi to everyone. What happens next is still beyond my understanding. Knowing that I have  severe fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, hypothyroidism, endometriosis, depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach paralysis, allergies and arthritis (also known as my “bag of tricks”)                   and on medication for all the above my
FATHER CALLED ME FAT!!!! Fat damn it!!!
When I went outside to say hello, I had leaned against my car sitting on the front bumper, my dad stumbled. HE  SAID it was because the car moved, because it went down quite a bit. Turned out my tire was way way low. but hes also 80 and has other issues, one of which is his balance. Not that im making excuses because im not. Im angry! HE INSINUATED THAT MY WEIGHT IS A PROBLEM FOR HIM!
Nobody else said anything so I just ignored his comment, at the time but it botherede more and more all week long. Still though, after almost twelve years of gaining and losing due to medication side effects you would think watching me be in unmaginable pain every single god damn day, watching me go up and go down (at one point so sick that I weighed 108 when I first met my husband and looking back looked like a skeleton with skin. I have pictures maybe one day ill share it) taking me to doctors, surgeries, all the fibromyalgia medication on the market. (The lyrica is the cause although stomach paralysis isnt helping either)  the pain medication, the alternative medicine and the pain pump, he would realize that there is nothing I can do about the weight. I eat a ton of fruits and vegtables not many carbs or junk food and have meat maybe twice a week I know im doing whats right for my body, I just dont get why he doesnt understand. Im frustrated with him and im frustrated with myself for not saying something to him and im freaking hurt that the first thing my father sees when he looks at me is my weight. I have no answers and I have less respect for him because of this. I actually thought the reason he didn’t understand is because my dad has been around a lot lot longer than me and has never had to deal with a debilitating illness in his family but that doesnt seem to hold water either. I now weigh alot closer to 200 then I do 100 but im comfortable mostly with my weight, I dont look huge. Just bigger than I was. Anyway about my first post I spoke a little about my disease and about depression, and it turns out im not depressed in the normal sense but my thyroid is all out of wack which is whats causing the moods and anger and it was set off when I left my stepdaughters because I was going to kill her ex-boyfriend. Soo I will still need to go to psychiatric counseling for my anxiety anyway so im keeping my appointment. I guess thats it for this morning I hope everyone has a great rest of the week.. thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you adding me to your reader!


Thank you someecards for stating the obvious!



I smoke pot for pain!

I wrote this a few weeks ago, I was holding out on sharing this but it seems I have a few people in my life who support this. Im very lucky to have this ability to medicate with a lot less side effects

[Picture source ]

Why am I different from everybody else? Well along with a bunch of other fibromyalgia sufferers, whose symptoms get longer on a daily basis, I have something not many others have. I have a medical marijuana card and I use the shit out.of. it.
Yep, I said it, I smoke pot for pain relief!
I started testing pot (called mmj for the medical term) back in November, the same week as thanksgiving, hoping and praying I could make it through the holiday. I think my family did a collective sigh of relief that week., relaxation and me not in my usual crappy mood. And still cooking!  The holidays were lovely! This might be the first year I wasnt borderline psychotic about how everything went together, my daughter and her friend had cooked most of it this year though too. That made it the best thanksgiving ever AND I was able to go shopping black friday.
Ive made some not so great choices in my life, drinking the pain away was one of them and after scaring my kids and husband one time too many I stopped. Completely. But then I had to deal with the pain, and for years I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, soo many pills and no relief, what the hell is this?
I waited about six months for pain management to get their shit together and figure out how this new marijuana law works with pain killers.  And I saved and saved. The card that allows medical marijuana to you is not cheap, not even close, its two months of one brand of my pills, $200. You have to take your last year of medical records to this doctor and once she realized the 900 page book was only the last year she got me signed up pretty quickly! In Arizona there is a list.of acceptable diseases you must qualify through. It took the state about a week to do my background check or whatever it is they do for $200. I received the card in the mail with a list of local dispensaries(the pot shopping mall basically) a week later. I chose delivery and a wonderful gentleman comes by every two weeks with the top choices in his bag, it’s all done right in front of me. We smoke some of the new stuff and off he goes to the next stop. I love it! Theres a lot to know about CBD’s and THC and indicas vs. sativas as well as how some are head high or body high. I do most of my research online but I also talk to the delivery men and see whats up and coming, what he can get that’s strong enough to wipe out the pain, the stress and my bag of tricks. I also am emploing medibles in this journey but I have a really tough time eating one cookie so it really isnt benificial to me.
It’s amazing how easily I can understand this stuff, my brain fog has gotten sooo much better. I can focus, I can do stuff, like clean and think and process information and not lose my shit in the process. Im also a much nicer, less bitchy version of who I was. I would lose my cool so quickly because the pain was literallly gnawing on my last nerve.
Let me tell you how this has changed my life, im still in awe some days that this was soo easy to do but so fraught with questions
My overall attitude is better, my husband is no longer afraid to come home after work,. I smile, an actual smile! Without wanting to cry or bite my tongue off! I usually end up doing more, like cooking dinner (yes I still cook.regular dinners, not high fry munchies) I don’t get munchies, I suffer from less migraines during the day, but still wake up with them regularly, my ache between my shoulders disappears, my nerves shut off their ziiiiings in my brain and ive lost 18 pounds since december 16!
anyway, I spend about $300 a month on pot but here’s the best part, ive stopped taking my seizure pills, my sleeping pills( night terrors in a bottle) and one of my painkillers has been reduced from 8 a day to 3 a day. Do Not go off or reduce medication without your doctors approval! The lyrica and savella are the same, the pain pump I can boost every four hours and the morphine sulfate pills are still all in but hopefully the morphine can go away soon too. All that’s left is my stomach medicine, my loratadine, xanex and heartburn pills some days a few oxycodone but that’s dependant on my day. We will see if the mental issues get better. The lyrica and savella im stuck with for what looks like forever, but being down some pills every day make me rejoice and thank god I live in a state and country that understands. The nauseated feeling from having all those pills rumbling around in my stomach has been greatly reduced! Not saying hello to the toilet seat three times a day makes such a difference in my outlook. I am slowly beginning to feel more human and less like the monster I had become. I do worry about it though, some family of ours doesn’t know, and if they already don’t like me then what happens when they find out? My first thought is to hide it but I am so tired of hiding. I want to scream from the rooftops “I found something for pain, that works, leave me alone”. My kids have been explained the reasoning behind my choices, thank goodness they are older and understand the difference of “for pleasure” and “pain relief” My husband says he notices a change in my attitude to the pain but besides that says I dont act high or stoned. Its not the same stuff your pot dealer sells. This is a very scientific measured medication just like the prescription drugs. Only stronger and with a ton less side effects. Ive never felt high just better
I do a lot of research, I research everything,and insanely investigate what might or might not work for me and by no means am I saying this will work for anybody besides myself. This is just my journey through chronic illness, depression and the bits that come with it. I’m sharing what worked for me. Also Arizona has legal medical marijuana. If this is still not law in your state please don’t do it. It’s not worth the jail time or fines or whatever your state does.
It took me a few weeks to move this post from draft to publish because I wasnt really seeing much of it in blogs, I know their out there, I just havent come across that many yet. My feeling is that someone else out there is struggling with the same thing, wanting to talk about it, wanting to learn more so here I am, admitting this to the world.

Although having my in laws here for a week was difficult we all somehow managed to keep it from them, my kids were great here occuping grandma enough so she didnt notice, although grandpa knows he played a long too. Im not embarrassed but they have given me enough grief over my disability and multiple diseases. I just didnt want them to hold it over their sons head for sticking with me through all this. Im so lucky to have him in my life, holding my hand, helping me get stuff finished and keeping me on track, he also finds my stuff ive lost in front of my face and will always know the right second before I start crying to make me laugh. He is my hero! I dont know how I would survive this illness without my mmj and my husband. Medical marijuana has completely changed our perspective of this disease. Im beginning to hope again thats major to us. To me most importantly
Soo, thats it, my big secret is out, and im ready to shout the benefits from the rooftop. This has saved my life!
How do you feel about using medical marijuana if it was proven to be better than any prescription available on the market?


A bit of depression, my old life.

So I guess its time for me to share this bit of my life lets.see how this goes.

I have fibromyalgia, im still a spring chicken by all normal accounts but my bones and nerves respond like an old crow. Most people do not seem to understand the lack of ability and movement. For those of you who are unaware the definition Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long‑term, body‑wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety.
(Credit national library of medicine)

For the last 12 years I have fought, argued, cried and begged for this to leave my life, I am now a resident of a motorized wheelchair, I still have use of my.legs and fight daily to use them because one day I wont be able to. I have what most people would consider a severe case and some people seem to think that if I would only exercise, take some tylenol, go for a walk or get a job, this would all go away. Oh! Is that what I need. My god why didnt I think of that.  Wait… I did, 12 years ago when I had graduated from college, degree in hand, ready to rule the world of sports therapy. I thought oh no im just depressed, if I fight harder this will go away, if I run further it wont ache everytime I breathe. I submersed myself in sports therapy, fighting my body every second until one day I couldnt anymore, I just couldnt. That was the first time I truly understood my limits and depression following me around as I cried to doctors and family. Id like to say I was one of those people who when faced with a debilitating disease rose above and made the best out of it. That would be a lie! I sucked at this!  My children at the time were 5 and 1, they were also impacted by this disease. They have never seen me run, they had to push my wheelchair wherever we went, in attempt to be able to do things with them..simple events like the fair or a camping trip with the boy scouts were derailed. Planning for these events was a massive undertaking and I was then a single parent. Trying to make my own life without asking for help. Boy, did I mess up. Six years ago I met a wonderful big hearted man, who while dating fell in love with those two very independent children I created and then failed repeatedly. He took over those massive undertakings.of camping, trips, museums and tought me asking for help doesnt make me less of a person but it has given me time to heal, heal my heart and mind, since my body cannot be healed.. yet!  About a year ago I finally got some serious help, in the form of a pump that sits inside my body and fills me with pain medication and a ton of help from . These days life is a bit easier and can do more things with my family. I still suffer, mostly silently, because I am one of the lucky ones, I had a team to root for me, and they continue to do so, every day. That man, he is now my husband and my children are almost grown ups who also have the biggest hearts, like their stepdad.
Im a blubbering mess of hormones today and had to clean this out of my brain. Depression is a crazy thing, im learning, the way it pops into your beautiful life, when you least expect it. Especially after this many years of the same. (In my mind depression the devil with its thumbs in its horny ear waving the other twelve fingers while screaming nanana boo boo you cant get me while his hips are doing the twist)
I may not get you today, or tomorrow, hell I might not catch you till 2022 but know this. I will catch you and stomp on your little asshole throat. Fucker! 
Hopefully on friday when I see my doctor we can wade through some of these issues, along with others that could be contributing to this, which one day we will visit.
This was a good start I needed to put these words down, and ive accomplished something, but as usual, my hands are cramping so this is where the tale ends today.



Now I’ve done it, I wrote a first blog post!

Hi y’all

Shesaidinherheart is officially open. I’m Renee and I have lots to say. I will add to this very soon. Welcome, I hope  you’ll say hello  whoohoo ive really done it! I am doI

ng this for me, hopefully in effort of fixing me, my heart, my mind and one day if I cant remember anything, ill have it all here, in a place where it will live forever. maybe one day my great great grandchildren will ask about me and can read about my best memories and how my life was, my joys, my sorrows, deepest thoughts and the way my world looked way back in 2014. 

This is my story, I will not apologize for what comes out.of my brain through my fingers. Someday I might swear ( ok, I do that quite a bit actually) or unintentionally offend you, this is not my intent. I do have a quite sarcastic and dry humor, but I need to be true to myself and my family, above all else. I cannot apologize for this either.Although if you read this and think what a screw up, she cant even figure out how to write a blog and somedays I cant spell or make a decent sentence THIS I will apologize for. 

holy heck! I just wrote my very first blog post, I feel relieved I finallly have a place to do this. Ive never written a thing in my life outside of education and shopping lists and dr appointments. 

So with no further bull Lets do this!  Read the rest of this entry »